Revamp

So, when I started this blog in 2012 it was about my New Years goals, and trying to maintain some accountability in achieving them. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well since I haven't posted since 2012, and it's now over half-way through 2013...and recently I've felt the need to process through some things. And what better way than to put it out to the internets?! Yeah maybe not my best decision, but there you have it. Recently I've been struggling with some things. And I know in the grander scheme of things, they are not big things, but in my little corner of this grand big world, they're kind of huge. I am no longer happy in my job, for a variety of reasons. Which means that while I am struggling to try and make it work while I am there, I am also struggling to figure out what I'm going to do next. If I don't work in my current field, what will I do? Where will I be happy? The Starbucks I go to posts different questions so you can get to know the baristas there. Like, "My hidden talent is..." or "My favorite movie is..." but more recently they posted one that has stuck with me and I am trying to answer for myself. "If happiness was the national currency, what career would make you rich?" So I've been thinking about what makes me happy. Dancing, acting, coaching, putting things together (like furniture, or building stuff with Habitat), and taking pictures. These are the things that come to mind immediately - which then leads to how can I maybe make these things more prominent in my life? And I think part of the problem is that I have felt so stuck for so long it's hard to see ways to do this. The bitch of depression is that it sneaks up on you. You're going along, and as long as you keep busy you don't really notice it, but once you try and start making something different, it sneaks up and says "not so fast! remember me?!" And I think that's the main reason why I'm blogging about all this. To help talk myself out of this funk and finally get motivated to start making some changes. To help squash that sometimes rather loud negative voice that brings up all the reasons why not and makes all the excuses that keep you glued to the couch... Speaking of the couch, brings me to the next thing I've been struggling with. Which is something most women struggle with. And somehow writing it down makes it seem even sillier than it is. But, let's be honest, we all struggle with what we look like, right? Men and women alike - we're all incredibly critical of ourselves. And when you fall outside of what is deemed 'attractive' by society standards, you're probably even more critical. Even though you know societies standards are more than effed up, you still compare. So, I was one of those girls who was skinny in high school, but thought she was bigger than she was. I always felt bigger than my friends. And now, I am bigger than most of my friends, which you think I would be prepared for. But mostly I just wonder how I got here. And how I can be happy with how I look. And give myself a break. I guess that's what this is all about, isn't it? Giving myself a break. And realizing that I'm doing the best I can. And not settling for that being enough... but pushing myself to try and find that elusive happiness.