True Confessions

Alright, so here it is. Last week I had kind of a breakdown. I was proud of myself cause I got home and found the motivation to do this workout DVD I have - Pilloxing, a mix of Pilates and Boxing. Its one of the only workout videos I don't want to kill the woman leading the routine, and it's a pretty good workout.. anyways, so I'm doing the workout and we have one of those Ikea bookcases with the reflective door and I catch a glimpse of myself. And just couldn't believe that's what I looked like. It was one of those moments I know many people have of "holy ssshhh that's what I look like?! when did that happen?!" And it threw me a little bit. I tried to keep going with the workout, but honestly, I was totally disheartened. And had a breakdown. I knew it was a full out breakdown when my cat (sweetie that he is) came over with this look like "mom? it's ok!" Yeah.. so I didn't do the workout full out, but I finished it. And just, felt so down. It's a crappy moment, and I know it wasn't entirely rational, but in the moment it just felt hopeless. And I know it's not at all, but ... well, I think you know what I mean.
The bright(er) side of this story is the next morning I was able to look at the situation with some perspective and thought it was time to weigh myself again since I hadn't done so in about a month. And I lost 5 pounds! Which is awesome! And if I keep up this pace, by the time I go to Hawaii, I'll have lost 15 pounds total, which is really good! Since then I have not done the Pilloxing video again. I will, I just needed some time away from it. It's also not always easy to find motivation to work out when I get home, which I know I've said repeatedly... but I'm working on it. I am. :)
Today I had my yearly physical and am in good health according to my doctor, so that is also good news. I've been feeling run down and achy, but not really sneezing or coughing, and she said it's probably to do with the cold I had in January - something is still working itself out of my system. So that is also hindering my motivation to do much when I get home. But doing some research about things to do in Hawaii made the trip just a little more real and will hopefully help jumpstart my motivation to continue on my path.
Since one of my goals is to be kinder to myself, and this hasn't been the most positive of postings, I will say that I have done much better about not eating out as much and when I do eat out I am making better choices about what to eat. I feel really good about that change I've made. Although I still have a ways to go, I am cooking more at home than I have in the past, so that also makes me feel good. And, even though I haven't been as consistent as I would like with it, I do make the effort to get up in time to do the Tai Chi warm-up. If I can ever get up in enough time to do the entire excersise I will be so thrilled. But I'll get there. I also bought cards today to send to friends randomly! So I am slowly but surely working on these goals of mine :)
Thanks again for continuing on the journey with me. It's a bumpy one, and I'm sure there are more bumps ahead, but I know I can face them and I know I will be the better for it.

Ack!

Ok, so yeah. It's been almost a month since I last posted. I believe I called that once the semester started this whole thing would be a lot harder. And I was right. Getting up earlier is more difficult, even though I know I feel better when I do my Tai Chi warm-ups. Finding time to do Just Dance or Wii Fit is more difficult. But change is supposed to be hard, right? Or, at least, a challenge. And I am trying to get back on track. Hawaii is about a month and a half away, so I still have time. And I have to keep remembering to be patient with myself. So - this is my first big hurdle. I had my inner Cathy Ack moment and I can move forward from here. I also know that it is not going to magically get easier. I am starting to get more motivated to find a gym, so I am moving in the right direction with that. I just need to figure out the finances.
As far as my other goals are going - they are on the back burner for the most part. I am trying to get better about being more positive and I definitely think that writing more here will help me accomplish that goal. I also think my work helps with that, constantly reminding the individuals I meet with to focus on the positive also helps remind me that I need to do that too :) I do have my goals posted at my desk at work (in a somewhat discreet location so no one but me can see them) and I have done better at looking at them at least once a day just to remind myself what they are.
The other thing I am trying to remind myself is that these are year goals. They are not going to happen in the first few months of the year. I intentionally set out with the mindset that it would take me a while to accomplish these goals, so I have to remember that as well. All too often I think it's easy to get swept up in the societal instant gratification mindset and expecting change to occur instantaneously. Maybe that's just me.. and now I feel like I am talking in circles. So thanks for staying with me on this journey, for being a support, and here it is a brand new month, ready to get back on track.