True Confessions

Alright, so here it is. Last week I had kind of a breakdown. I was proud of myself cause I got home and found the motivation to do this workout DVD I have - Pilloxing, a mix of Pilates and Boxing. Its one of the only workout videos I don't want to kill the woman leading the routine, and it's a pretty good workout.. anyways, so I'm doing the workout and we have one of those Ikea bookcases with the reflective door and I catch a glimpse of myself. And just couldn't believe that's what I looked like. It was one of those moments I know many people have of "holy ssshhh that's what I look like?! when did that happen?!" And it threw me a little bit. I tried to keep going with the workout, but honestly, I was totally disheartened. And had a breakdown. I knew it was a full out breakdown when my cat (sweetie that he is) came over with this look like "mom? it's ok!" Yeah.. so I didn't do the workout full out, but I finished it. And just, felt so down. It's a crappy moment, and I know it wasn't entirely rational, but in the moment it just felt hopeless. And I know it's not at all, but ... well, I think you know what I mean.
The bright(er) side of this story is the next morning I was able to look at the situation with some perspective and thought it was time to weigh myself again since I hadn't done so in about a month. And I lost 5 pounds! Which is awesome! And if I keep up this pace, by the time I go to Hawaii, I'll have lost 15 pounds total, which is really good! Since then I have not done the Pilloxing video again. I will, I just needed some time away from it. It's also not always easy to find motivation to work out when I get home, which I know I've said repeatedly... but I'm working on it. I am. :)
Today I had my yearly physical and am in good health according to my doctor, so that is also good news. I've been feeling run down and achy, but not really sneezing or coughing, and she said it's probably to do with the cold I had in January - something is still working itself out of my system. So that is also hindering my motivation to do much when I get home. But doing some research about things to do in Hawaii made the trip just a little more real and will hopefully help jumpstart my motivation to continue on my path.
Since one of my goals is to be kinder to myself, and this hasn't been the most positive of postings, I will say that I have done much better about not eating out as much and when I do eat out I am making better choices about what to eat. I feel really good about that change I've made. Although I still have a ways to go, I am cooking more at home than I have in the past, so that also makes me feel good. And, even though I haven't been as consistent as I would like with it, I do make the effort to get up in time to do the Tai Chi warm-up. If I can ever get up in enough time to do the entire excersise I will be so thrilled. But I'll get there. I also bought cards today to send to friends randomly! So I am slowly but surely working on these goals of mine :)
Thanks again for continuing on the journey with me. It's a bumpy one, and I'm sure there are more bumps ahead, but I know I can face them and I know I will be the better for it.